Hmmm

One thing I've noticed lately is how the internet and today's electronics have affected me. I can no longer just sit and watch a TV show. I tried. I have to be doing something. Today, I tried to watch Doctor Who without doing anything and I ended up reading a magazine halfway through. It isn't because I thought the show was boring, I love that show! It's amazing. But for whatever reason I just cannot sit the fuck still. Or at least my mind can't. I try and watch movies and TV shows but most of the time I end up going on Instagram or play Solitaire. It really sucks. I want to be able to just watch a good show and focus. I also just can't be bored. It drives me crazy! It's so ridiculous. Anytime there's nothing to do, in the car or with a friend, whatever, I pull out my phone. And that's not just me, it's everyone. It's a little screwed up but no one can really do anything about it. I'll come to terms with it eventually, probably after I learn how to freaking focus. There's a few exceptions for me actually: when I'm in a theater or when I'm working. But I guess that last one is because my mind is working. But that's when I can actually focus. Okay well that was my little sort-of rant. Thanks for reading!

Love,
   Me

Hellur

Okay so today was lovely. I did all sorts of fun shit that was fun. And met some cool peeps and watched some cool stuffs and yea. I'm in a good mood. But, of course, something not-so-pleasant happened. So. I had to cancel plans with one of my guy friends, yes, the same one from yesterday, and I was feeling pretty terrible about it. I asked when he was free next but he just said "I don't want to do anything anytime soon". That made me freak the fuck out. I got pretty angry and stressed and worried but later in the day he texted me so I assume we're all good. He never said he was mad at me, so I guess he wasn't. Anywhore, (Yea. I meant to do that. :)) all is well that ends well. I'm about to edit a post for the blog (about my fabulous day) so I'm off to do that! I think when it comes to situations like today's, I just have to remember that if the friendship is strong enough, a little fight won't bother it.

"A smile is a passport into the hearts of others" ~ fortune cookie
(Doesn't relate at all to the post but it's nice, right?)

Love,
   Me

:)

Felt great today! Worst thing that happened was when I shared that I had neglected to take my meds to my best friend and then explaining the effects of it. Not fun but it wasn't bad. Not at all actually. It was a quick conversation since everything is completely fine now, so there wasn't much to talk about. The only other person who knew was one of my guy friends. The reason he knew was because I was having a panic attack while talking to him, so I told him. I thought he would be able to handle it but he worried a lot. It made me worry if I can't tell him things because he worries so easily. He has anxiety too. Anyway, it just seems like he isn't able to handle some of the things I would like to tell him. It's fine though. If I need to talk about it, I have others to talk to. Still thinking about my blog. And possibly a YouTube channel. Good idea? I have no idea what I would do for it. *sigh* I was thinking about a comedy blog but then I realized I'm not funny. Ha. Beauty? I'm okay at that. That's pretty much the main purpose of my other blog. I need to think about this more but a YouTube channel seems like tons of fun. Reviewing also seems like something I would be good at. I guess I'll just think for now.

Love,
   Me

So.

So I always thought that I needed to watch YouTubers, read blogs, look at pictures, etc. to figure out what to do, say, wear, listen to, etc. I needed guidelines, just a helpful way to stay organized and know how to do life. But now, I see that I've got to do what I want in my own way. I don't need to be like everyone else and actually, that's one of my biggest fears: being like everyone else; un-individual. But, subconsciously, I was trying to be like everyone else. The way they posted things to blogs or YouTube or Tumblr, that was what I wanted. I wanted to fit in to be successful, it's just that, one thing I didn't notice was how these people are successful because they're original and are great at what they do. Jesus, I wish I knew what to do. The only thing I seem to be OK at is telling empty space what I'm feeling (I say empty space because I seriously doubt anyone is reading this) I really want to find what I'm good writing about. Life would be easier. Most people want things to be either simple or complicated but is it weird that I don't give a rat's ass? I don't particularly care if life is simple or complicated, I kind of just want to do it, happily, with a purpose. Like in the movie/book Hugo, he (Hugo) wants a purpose because the whole world is a machine and everyone's a part that contributes and has a point, but he can't find his point. Or something like that. But that's me. Everyone else has something but what do I have? I mean, I like to write and I think I'm pretty good at it but I don't have a writing purpose. I'm making no sense and probably annoying the crap out of whoever is reading this. I apologize. I don't really know why I put my personal thoughts on the internet. Does anyone really care? I wouldn't. Anyway, thanks for reading if you did. Damn I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Love,
   Me

*Sigh*

Alright, so little update. I couldn't take my medicine again yesterday. (I was at a friend's house so no access) I also had a panic attack. Fun. But I was alright. Although it was relatively large it didn't last long, which is great. I felt fine the next morning as well. I need to get better with the meds. Being off of them made me realize how utterly fucked up I was before the medicine. Last year, the start of my severe anxiety, seemed to just pour down on me. It seemed so sudden. I suddenly was over thinking everything, becoming aware of things that didn't matter, and worrying about things that, in turn, would have no effect on my life. I was so stressed. I had no idea what was happening or why I was worrying so much. About everything. I thought it could be school; it wasn't. When I finally found out I had anxiety and OCD, I couldn't believe it. I wondered, "Why did this happen to me?" It made me so upset, the fact that I had to see a doctor and take medicine. I couldn't believe I was crazy. It seems to be part of who I am now. A part, not who I am. And I'm perfectly fine with that. Proud even. At least I'm happy. Or was. Oh god, what if it's not the medicine and it's starting all over? What if I need MORE meds. I'm over thinking. Okay. Okay. I'm good. That's not what it is and even if it was I can handle it. Well, now that I've had a mental breakdown on my pubic blog I think I'll be done for the day. Maybe. I might be addicted. (To the blog) This fun. Sorry to annoy you guys. If you're reading, thanks.

Love,

   Me

Maybe...

Recently I've been watching a lot of different YouTubers and I've been really interested in their life and career stories. One particular story caught my attention: Tyler Oakley's. He had just finished college and was looking for a job when he realized that the only thing that would be a good career, one that would motivate him to get up in the morning and actually go to work was YouTube and social media. His story made me realize that I want to do something with the media. I love to write and writing about what is current in today's pop culture just seems like fun. Maybe writing about what's going on in the economy as well, maybe about different places, maybe about different jobs. I'm not getting anywhere am I? Nope. But I do know that I think blogging, making videos, and writing are things that I truly love and they all have to do with the social media. I know that I want the media to be huge part of my career but I just don't know what to do. I'm fairly positive I want to be a writer but the problem is, I have no clue what to write about. It seems the only thing I'm good at writing is my personal thoughts and I'm sorry, but unless you have the one of the most amazing personalities ever, that is not going to be a career. I know that I'm able to put pieces of information together, but I just don't know what. I have problems finding topics. Maybe I could write about my opinion on things. Like, I could read a book or watch a TV show and then tell people my opinions on it. People do that for a living. But is it something I would enjoy? I'll give it a try on my main blog. See how it goes.

Ouchie

So I would like to tell you all about a story. But before I begin you should know this: I have anxiety and OCD, which I take medication for. Okay, anyway. So, the last few days I've been forgetting to take my medicine. As a result, yesterday I woke up feeling like complete and utter shit. As that day went on, I was okay I guess but feeling some weird stuff. Like I was feeling lonely (which doesn't happen to me very often) and sluggish and I sort of wanted to give up. I didn't do much. Today was actually worse. I laid in bed until four in the afternoon until I got up, cleaned half of my room, put in some laundry, and then watched a movie with my mom. This time I felt just said, alone, and a bit depressed. I wanted to hide under the covers. It was sort of like being a blob, just walking around, doing nothing productive or of any actual value. I spoke to my mother and she told me it was because of the medication. I had stopped taking it for about four or five days and because of that small time span, I became this lonely, jittery, sad thing. It sucked but I learned my lesson. You know, when I first got on medication I had some pretty mixed feelings about it. Half of me was upset because I was messed up enough to need the medicine and the other half was anxiously waiting to see if it would help me. It did. Quite a bit. I felt so much better afterwards. And I'm still doing great. As long as I don't forget to take it. I think I'll write a post about my anxiety some other time. To talk about my experience. Oh and also, I decided to set up a schedule for my main blog. I'm hoping this will help me to figure out what to write about over there. Crossing my fingers.

Love,
    Me

Let's Begin

I guess I thought that I had to write the most amazing first blog post known to man due to my "about the blogger" page. Did I leave too much build-up? Well, sorry if I did. But, I just want this blog to be about my personal thoughts, kind of just to see if I can write what goes through my mind clearly and coherently. Maybe this will spark some ideas for my main blog. I've recently been trying to find something consistent to write about over there but I just can't seem to do it. I'm stuck with writing about random things that don't take very long to piece together simply because I can't think of a good "thing" to write about. Do you know what I mean? That "thing" that all bloggers and writers have. The main subject of their work. Even on YouTube all the channels have a main theme. Like, for example, they do game reviews, makeup tutorials, acting skits, and so much more. I just can't find a consistent theme to make my posts about on there (My main blog). Which I probably will not end up sharing with you guys simply because it goes against the whole purpose of this blog: To put my personal thoughts out there into cyberspace and see if anyone gives a shit. This post went off on a tangent didn't it? Well I think that's absolutely fabulous. That's the whole piont of this I guess. Oh and I should mention that this blog os going to be completely blunt. I refuse to sugar coat anything. This is all going straight from my fucked-up mind to the internet. Hmmm... probably not the best idea. WHO CARES? I'm doing it anyway. Okay? Okay. (I love you John Green)

Love,
    Me.