I've Been A Bit Upset

I've been feeling really down about myself lately. I finally go around to editing one of my videos and basically the whole time I was just thinking, "why am I so annoying?"No fun. I have also been pretty down about my looks. All my friends despise when I rag on myself and I can totally understand why. It just all builds up, though. Since I haven't been doing it. I also seriously hate my brain. It was okay for a while. I had stopped worrying so much and I stopped feeling guilty about every little thing I did. But now I have to deal with low self esteem and talking to people. God, I am so shy. I can't even handle how shy I am. Even with people I trust more than anything, and with people I've known for forever I just can't speak. I have things to say most of the time, but my stupid brain won't let me get it out of my mouth. I get scared and I psych myself out. One last thing that bothers me about myself, my fucking facial expressions. I never look happy, even when I am! I either look like I'm super pissed/ annoyed/ sarcastic or no expression at all. I hate it. People think I'm giving them attitude when I'm not, I seem unapproachable, I seem mean. The truth is, I just want someone to come up and talk to me. I'd respond. I'd smile. I'd happily engage in conversation. The thing is, I can't make the first move because I'm too scared and nobody wants to talk to me because I look mean and like I want nothing to do with anybody. I don't know what to do. This is gonna be hard.

Love,
   Me

P.S. If you, for whatever reason, want to comment on any post, please do. I'm open to hear anything you have to say :)

I Don't Understand Why

Lately, I've been kind of wondering why I have as many friends as I do. Why do people like me? I mean, I know I have some good qualities but I don't see how I'm worth all my bad qualities. I just feel really stupid and pointless sometimes. I find myself annoying and totally idiotic. I wonder why people even bother with me. Sometimes, I find it hard to find good things about me and other times I don't find it hard at all. I just think I'm really annoying sometimes and I don't see why I'm worth it or how people put up with me. I talk about my flaws too much and it makes people think I'm doing it for attention but the truth is, I just want someone to say something that might help me stop feeling so bad about myself. I guess it is for attention. I don't know what to do with myself. Ugh.

Love,
   Me

Hey Peeps

So I've been feeling really good lately, which could possibly be from the fact that I have been really busy this past week and I will explain why. (P.S. being busy distracts me from thinking too much, therefore I'm good :)) Anywhore, basically I'm taking speech class, as you probably know, and that means about a good half of my days mon-thurs are taken up with class while about an hour after class is being taken up by homework (usually writing, so it's actually decently fun). On top of that, I'm trying to do more volunteering (and failing), expanding my blogs, and also I've got a new YouTube channel to make videos for. It's pretty hard to find things to post on those places. Anyway, yea, I've been busy and it's nice but it can be stressful. Also, with my speech class work, I like to hang out with my friends to relax and forget about work and being bored in class. So yea. That's all! :)

Love,
   Me

What's Up

Okay so I had a nice little weekend, the only problem was, I missed out on a trip to the beach and to Schlitterbahn (a mega-fun water park). So that sucked balls. Anyway, tomorrow I have to go to speech class. The class where I know no one and everyone is older than me :). Im soooo excited. Everyone I know keeps telling me, "Meet new people! Make some friends!". Ha. It's not that easy. My brain doesn't function like that. For some people it may be just so easy for them to walk up to someone and be like, "Hey, how's it going. I'm Jim(or whatever)" but it's the hardest thing in the world for me. I feel like I simply can't do it. I mean, I know I CAN it's just.... hard, to put it in the simplest of terms. I wish I had a friend with me. But anyway, the point it, it's not a fun thing to have to do and I'm dreading the group projects and I absolutely can't wait for the five weeks of classes to be over. I really should make the most of it since there's no getting out of it. I'll stay positive, I just had to vent. So, thanks guys, for letting my complain to my heart's content.

Love,
   Me

Trip

I'm going on a little trip tomorrow and I'm so excited! :) Everyday, I start feeling better and better about the audition. I'm getting over it, although, it still pops up in my mind. In other news, I tried filming a YouTube video earlier and it was awful. I watched it and I just hated it. I mean, I loved filming it; it was tons of fun, but I didn't like watching it. Surprisingly, I liked my voice, my face was the problem. I couldn't stop staring at a zit on my forehead and my braces are like a magnet for eyes. My mouth is so weird. I can't wait to get these fucking things off. Ugh. I'm still gonna make videos because,you gotta start somewhere, and if I ever want to be really good at making videos, I have got to practice. Alright well, I'll talk to you guys later.

Love,
   Me

Feeling a Bit Better

Hey guys, I'm feeling a little bit better. I don't really know what it is, I just woke up today feeling a little bit better. I'm really re-considering auditioning for the fall play. What if theater just isn't my thing? And then of course, I'm worrying that I'll choke once again and make a fool of myself, yet again. But I won't know unless I try, right? I'm not sure. I guess I'll think on it. I'm taking theater arts as an elective this upcoming school year so I'll be able to prove myself there. I can prove that I'm a good sport about it and  I'm not letting it bother me (at least that's what my classmates will think). I've got a lot of thinking to do. I'll let you guys know. Probably not soon though. I doubt I'll know anytime soon.

See ya later

Love,
   Me

Hard To Write

This post is going to be hard for me to write. *deep breath* Okay, well I had my audition..... It went okay. (I'm forcing myself to be positive even though I want to say it was one of the worst things that's happened to me) Anyway, let me explain what happened. What had happened was, I forced my self to smile, though part of the time I forgot. I didn't remember when to start. I skipped over a whole section of the song. I sang one part too early. After I stepped off, I went to my friend and leaned on her shoulder while she gave me a half-hug and I tried to keep from crying. There's something that really gets me about coming off as a weak little kid. (how I'm assuming I looked to people watching)I'm already an incoming freshman and I already look weak and helpless. Just awesome! You know what's awful? Having people feeling bad for you. People kept coming up to me saying, "you did great!" I usually said thanks but once I said, "No not really but that's okay" I don't need people to feel bad for me. I can handle myself. But, if anyone thinks that this is going to stop me from auditioning for the fall play, they'd be dead wrong. Ha. The song I'm listening to just said, "bad things happen for a reason" AMEN. So, I'm going to audition for the fall play. (I don't have to sing) And, not only will I audition, but I will prove that I'm not weak. I'm strong. I can handle myself. I can do great and don't need anyone to feel bad for me. If you're wondering why this is so important to me, it's because I'm extremely worried all the time what people think about me and I seriously hate it when people think anything bad. Like I'm weak. Wish me luck! :)

Love,
   Me

Well Hi There

I have tons of news for you guys. Surprisingly, all the things that have changed since yesterday hasn't stressed me out (yet). Alright, first thing, I started a new blog which is the same as my old (main) blog but at a different URL. I'm very excited about this because the new website I'm using has tons more options so I think it'll be great. It's also a TON easier to use! Okay, second thing, I'm officially doing the musical. I worked it out with my mom and got a friend to take me. So since I'm doing it, I'm SO SO SO nervous! I'm freaking out! I'm so scared that everyone will stare at me and judge me but I know it'll be great for me. I need to get out of my shell more and this is going to help me. Maybe if I make it into the musical, it'll help my shyness. I'm just quite worried, mostly because I'm going to have to sing! I can't sing, at all! *sigh* Okee dokee, last thing, I'm starting a YouTube channel and I'm so excited!! I'm hoping I'll get to be an active member of the YouTube community and maybe I'll get to meet some cool people!

P.S. thanks for reading!

Love,
   Me

Panic Sets In

To start off, I think I'll just say that I'm having a panic attack. I only do things for other people. I put my feelings very very last. I'll apologize for days. I'll cry because I hurt someone. I don't seem to care if I get hurt as long as everyone else is all fine and dandy. I can't help it. I can't. The guilt I feel when someone's mad r hurt because of me i unimaginable. I can't handle it. I really can't handle much right now. I feel like I treat myself so horribly all for other people. I know it'a not healthy but I just can't seem to figure out any other way of living. I want help.

Love,
   Me

Push-over

I'm a huge push-over. Whenever anyone is mad at me, I'll try and figure out what I did wrong (even if I didn't do anything wrong) and then I will apologize over and over and over until I'm forgiven. If I think someone is mad at me for a stupid reason, I may be mad at first but I can guarantee you that I will apologize no matter what. My friends tend to control me. They dictate who I'm friends with and who I date and so on. They don't do this by saying, "You HAVE to date that person." They make it much more subtle than that. I try and stand up for myself but they always get mad at me and I can't deal with that. It's not all of my friends that do this, just a few but it still isn't fun. I guess I'll have to work on standing up for myself. As if that'll be easy.

Love,
   Me

Comfort Zone

Due to my mother's busy schedule I will not be auditioning for the summer musical. I'm really upset about it. A lot of my friends were auditioning and I knew some of the upperclassmen that would also be there. They're really amazing people and I'm disappointed I'm not going to have an opportunity to work with them. *sigh* I have to admit, I am a little relieved. Auditioning wasn't in my comfort zone and I'm a little happy I don't have to do something that would make me uncomfortable. I do need to try and get out of my comfort zone more often, though. I will be doing something that isn't in my comfort zone this summer even without the musical. I'm taking a dual- credit class (speech) and I won't know anyone there. One of my close friends was going to be doing it with me, but her mom didn't register her in time. I'm really worrying about it. I'll probably just keep to myself and try to get through it unless I see someone I know. I know I should try and meet people and make new friends but, it's so hard for me. I guess I'll try.... no promises though. I really hope someone I know ends up being there. Wish me luck. :)

Love,
   Me

...

Well hello guys. I'm having a small issue. I'm feeling a bit stuck. One of my friends openly depends on me for their mental stability. What I mean is, they always need me to help them with their problems and always need my support and this is usually no problem, I welcome this, it's just that I worry that I'm their only source of support or help. I don't want to be the only person they can turn to with their problems. Sometimes they talk to me too often and I can't say that I don't want to talk because I know that they'll be upset. I'm just not sure what to do.

Love,
   Me

Time To Share

Alrighty guys, today I'm going to share something with you. Although I felt I shared more than necessary yesterday, I'm happy to tell. Okay. I'm a little shy. Okay, not a little, a lot. I can barely get two words out to people I don't know and when I talk to people I'm not familiar with, I fidget, stutter, and stand awkwardly. My shyness is probably the reason I'm so into blogging, because I'm afraid of people in person. This fear makes it pretty hard for me to love acting. I have huge stage fright but I just can't help it. It's so much fun. I've only been in one play, in which I had no lines. Despite this, I'm going to be auditioning for my school's summer musical. I'm super nervous but my friends say all I have to do is smile and be direct. Instead of beating around the bush and quietly saying, "Hi...I'm auditioning for uhm..... the musical" I need to say, "Hi! My name is Alexa and I'm going to be auditioning for the musical. Nice to meet you!". This is probably going to be hard for me and I know I'm just going to get more nervous as the day approaches, but I'm excited! I have a feeling it's going to go really well. Wish me luck!

Love,
   Me

P.S. Yes, I have to sing.

Money Money Money

So recently, well tonight actually, I realized that I want a lot of stuff. All sorts of things. And what do you need to get things? Money. I'm normally content with the amount of money I receive monthly. Not anymore apparently. The amount of money I get isn't going to get me the items I would like. So what should I do? Get a job. Alright alright you got me, I don't have a job, one more thing you know about me. But, I need one. It really sucks that I'm not able to get money for the things I love like blogging and making videos (I'm pretty sure I'm starting a YouTube channel) but that's life for now. Maybe if I get more successful with my main blog, I'll be able to somehow. For now, I'm perfectly fine with doing pointless work for cash. (In case you're wondering what I do with all my free time since I don't have a job, I promise I'm not sitting at home blogging all day. I only do that in the evenings.) So, to sum up, I'm getting myself a job. Fun! And now I need ideas for jobs I can do and have time for. *sigh* Alright another challenge. I'm excited.

Love,
   Me

P.S. Please don't think I'm some prissy person who doesn't have to do anything for money. I do earn my money, I can guarantee you that. Just so you don't think I'm doing anything deceitful, I do chores and work for school; that's how I earn my cash. And now you know more. I hope this doesn't change your view of me! :)

Individual?

I am constantly worrying about being un-like anyone else. But that isn't possible. I can't like a band that no one else likes, I can't have a hobby that no one else does. It's simply not possible. With as many people as there are in the world, there really isn't a way to be completely individual. I'm trying, though, to find a way to set myself apart from everyone else. My blog actually isn't helping. My main blog is a lot like other blogs with the same genre. I'm hoping that as I put more motivation and hard work into it, it will become popular despite this. I've also been worrying a lot about my thoughts being un-original. For example, I worry that someone else has thought the same thing as I have. I'm not really sure why but being completely original is really important to me. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm going to keep trying to find away to be individual. 

Love,

   Me