I've Been A Bit Upset

I've been feeling really down about myself lately. I finally go around to editing one of my videos and basically the whole time I was just thinking, "why am I so annoying?"No fun. I have also been pretty down about my looks. All my friends despise when I rag on myself and I can totally understand why. It just all builds up, though. Since I haven't been doing it. I also seriously hate my brain. It was okay for a while. I had stopped worrying so much and I stopped feeling guilty about every little thing I did. But now I have to deal with low self esteem and talking to people. God, I am so shy. I can't even handle how shy I am. Even with people I trust more than anything, and with people I've known for forever I just can't speak. I have things to say most of the time, but my stupid brain won't let me get it out of my mouth. I get scared and I psych myself out. One last thing that bothers me about myself, my fucking facial expressions. I never look happy, even when I am! I either look like I'm super pissed/ annoyed/ sarcastic or no expression at all. I hate it. People think I'm giving them attitude when I'm not, I seem unapproachable, I seem mean. The truth is, I just want someone to come up and talk to me. I'd respond. I'd smile. I'd happily engage in conversation. The thing is, I can't make the first move because I'm too scared and nobody wants to talk to me because I look mean and like I want nothing to do with anybody. I don't know what to do. This is gonna be hard.

Love,
   Me

P.S. If you, for whatever reason, want to comment on any post, please do. I'm open to hear anything you have to say :)

I Don't Understand Why

Lately, I've been kind of wondering why I have as many friends as I do. Why do people like me? I mean, I know I have some good qualities but I don't see how I'm worth all my bad qualities. I just feel really stupid and pointless sometimes. I find myself annoying and totally idiotic. I wonder why people even bother with me. Sometimes, I find it hard to find good things about me and other times I don't find it hard at all. I just think I'm really annoying sometimes and I don't see why I'm worth it or how people put up with me. I talk about my flaws too much and it makes people think I'm doing it for attention but the truth is, I just want someone to say something that might help me stop feeling so bad about myself. I guess it is for attention. I don't know what to do with myself. Ugh.

Love,
   Me

Hey Peeps

So I've been feeling really good lately, which could possibly be from the fact that I have been really busy this past week and I will explain why. (P.S. being busy distracts me from thinking too much, therefore I'm good :)) Anywhore, basically I'm taking speech class, as you probably know, and that means about a good half of my days mon-thurs are taken up with class while about an hour after class is being taken up by homework (usually writing, so it's actually decently fun). On top of that, I'm trying to do more volunteering (and failing), expanding my blogs, and also I've got a new YouTube channel to make videos for. It's pretty hard to find things to post on those places. Anyway, yea, I've been busy and it's nice but it can be stressful. Also, with my speech class work, I like to hang out with my friends to relax and forget about work and being bored in class. So yea. That's all! :)

Love,
   Me

What's Up

Okay so I had a nice little weekend, the only problem was, I missed out on a trip to the beach and to Schlitterbahn (a mega-fun water park). So that sucked balls. Anyway, tomorrow I have to go to speech class. The class where I know no one and everyone is older than me :). Im soooo excited. Everyone I know keeps telling me, "Meet new people! Make some friends!". Ha. It's not that easy. My brain doesn't function like that. For some people it may be just so easy for them to walk up to someone and be like, "Hey, how's it going. I'm Jim(or whatever)" but it's the hardest thing in the world for me. I feel like I simply can't do it. I mean, I know I CAN it's just.... hard, to put it in the simplest of terms. I wish I had a friend with me. But anyway, the point it, it's not a fun thing to have to do and I'm dreading the group projects and I absolutely can't wait for the five weeks of classes to be over. I really should make the most of it since there's no getting out of it. I'll stay positive, I just had to vent. So, thanks guys, for letting my complain to my heart's content.

Love,
   Me

Trip

I'm going on a little trip tomorrow and I'm so excited! :) Everyday, I start feeling better and better about the audition. I'm getting over it, although, it still pops up in my mind. In other news, I tried filming a YouTube video earlier and it was awful. I watched it and I just hated it. I mean, I loved filming it; it was tons of fun, but I didn't like watching it. Surprisingly, I liked my voice, my face was the problem. I couldn't stop staring at a zit on my forehead and my braces are like a magnet for eyes. My mouth is so weird. I can't wait to get these fucking things off. Ugh. I'm still gonna make videos because,you gotta start somewhere, and if I ever want to be really good at making videos, I have got to practice. Alright well, I'll talk to you guys later.

Love,
   Me

Feeling a Bit Better

Hey guys, I'm feeling a little bit better. I don't really know what it is, I just woke up today feeling a little bit better. I'm really re-considering auditioning for the fall play. What if theater just isn't my thing? And then of course, I'm worrying that I'll choke once again and make a fool of myself, yet again. But I won't know unless I try, right? I'm not sure. I guess I'll think on it. I'm taking theater arts as an elective this upcoming school year so I'll be able to prove myself there. I can prove that I'm a good sport about it and  I'm not letting it bother me (at least that's what my classmates will think). I've got a lot of thinking to do. I'll let you guys know. Probably not soon though. I doubt I'll know anytime soon.

See ya later

Love,
   Me

Hard To Write

This post is going to be hard for me to write. *deep breath* Okay, well I had my audition..... It went okay. (I'm forcing myself to be positive even though I want to say it was one of the worst things that's happened to me) Anyway, let me explain what happened. What had happened was, I forced my self to smile, though part of the time I forgot. I didn't remember when to start. I skipped over a whole section of the song. I sang one part too early. After I stepped off, I went to my friend and leaned on her shoulder while she gave me a half-hug and I tried to keep from crying. There's something that really gets me about coming off as a weak little kid. (how I'm assuming I looked to people watching)I'm already an incoming freshman and I already look weak and helpless. Just awesome! You know what's awful? Having people feeling bad for you. People kept coming up to me saying, "you did great!" I usually said thanks but once I said, "No not really but that's okay" I don't need people to feel bad for me. I can handle myself. But, if anyone thinks that this is going to stop me from auditioning for the fall play, they'd be dead wrong. Ha. The song I'm listening to just said, "bad things happen for a reason" AMEN. So, I'm going to audition for the fall play. (I don't have to sing) And, not only will I audition, but I will prove that I'm not weak. I'm strong. I can handle myself. I can do great and don't need anyone to feel bad for me. If you're wondering why this is so important to me, it's because I'm extremely worried all the time what people think about me and I seriously hate it when people think anything bad. Like I'm weak. Wish me luck! :)

Love,
   Me

Well Hi There

I have tons of news for you guys. Surprisingly, all the things that have changed since yesterday hasn't stressed me out (yet). Alright, first thing, I started a new blog which is the same as my old (main) blog but at a different URL. I'm very excited about this because the new website I'm using has tons more options so I think it'll be great. It's also a TON easier to use! Okay, second thing, I'm officially doing the musical. I worked it out with my mom and got a friend to take me. So since I'm doing it, I'm SO SO SO nervous! I'm freaking out! I'm so scared that everyone will stare at me and judge me but I know it'll be great for me. I need to get out of my shell more and this is going to help me. Maybe if I make it into the musical, it'll help my shyness. I'm just quite worried, mostly because I'm going to have to sing! I can't sing, at all! *sigh* Okee dokee, last thing, I'm starting a YouTube channel and I'm so excited!! I'm hoping I'll get to be an active member of the YouTube community and maybe I'll get to meet some cool people!

P.S. thanks for reading!

Love,
   Me

Panic Sets In

To start off, I think I'll just say that I'm having a panic attack. I only do things for other people. I put my feelings very very last. I'll apologize for days. I'll cry because I hurt someone. I don't seem to care if I get hurt as long as everyone else is all fine and dandy. I can't help it. I can't. The guilt I feel when someone's mad r hurt because of me i unimaginable. I can't handle it. I really can't handle much right now. I feel like I treat myself so horribly all for other people. I know it'a not healthy but I just can't seem to figure out any other way of living. I want help.

Love,
   Me

Push-over

I'm a huge push-over. Whenever anyone is mad at me, I'll try and figure out what I did wrong (even if I didn't do anything wrong) and then I will apologize over and over and over until I'm forgiven. If I think someone is mad at me for a stupid reason, I may be mad at first but I can guarantee you that I will apologize no matter what. My friends tend to control me. They dictate who I'm friends with and who I date and so on. They don't do this by saying, "You HAVE to date that person." They make it much more subtle than that. I try and stand up for myself but they always get mad at me and I can't deal with that. It's not all of my friends that do this, just a few but it still isn't fun. I guess I'll have to work on standing up for myself. As if that'll be easy.

Love,
   Me

Comfort Zone

Due to my mother's busy schedule I will not be auditioning for the summer musical. I'm really upset about it. A lot of my friends were auditioning and I knew some of the upperclassmen that would also be there. They're really amazing people and I'm disappointed I'm not going to have an opportunity to work with them. *sigh* I have to admit, I am a little relieved. Auditioning wasn't in my comfort zone and I'm a little happy I don't have to do something that would make me uncomfortable. I do need to try and get out of my comfort zone more often, though. I will be doing something that isn't in my comfort zone this summer even without the musical. I'm taking a dual- credit class (speech) and I won't know anyone there. One of my close friends was going to be doing it with me, but her mom didn't register her in time. I'm really worrying about it. I'll probably just keep to myself and try to get through it unless I see someone I know. I know I should try and meet people and make new friends but, it's so hard for me. I guess I'll try.... no promises though. I really hope someone I know ends up being there. Wish me luck. :)

Love,
   Me

...

Well hello guys. I'm having a small issue. I'm feeling a bit stuck. One of my friends openly depends on me for their mental stability. What I mean is, they always need me to help them with their problems and always need my support and this is usually no problem, I welcome this, it's just that I worry that I'm their only source of support or help. I don't want to be the only person they can turn to with their problems. Sometimes they talk to me too often and I can't say that I don't want to talk because I know that they'll be upset. I'm just not sure what to do.

Love,
   Me

Time To Share

Alrighty guys, today I'm going to share something with you. Although I felt I shared more than necessary yesterday, I'm happy to tell. Okay. I'm a little shy. Okay, not a little, a lot. I can barely get two words out to people I don't know and when I talk to people I'm not familiar with, I fidget, stutter, and stand awkwardly. My shyness is probably the reason I'm so into blogging, because I'm afraid of people in person. This fear makes it pretty hard for me to love acting. I have huge stage fright but I just can't help it. It's so much fun. I've only been in one play, in which I had no lines. Despite this, I'm going to be auditioning for my school's summer musical. I'm super nervous but my friends say all I have to do is smile and be direct. Instead of beating around the bush and quietly saying, "Hi...I'm auditioning for uhm..... the musical" I need to say, "Hi! My name is Alexa and I'm going to be auditioning for the musical. Nice to meet you!". This is probably going to be hard for me and I know I'm just going to get more nervous as the day approaches, but I'm excited! I have a feeling it's going to go really well. Wish me luck!

Love,
   Me

P.S. Yes, I have to sing.

Money Money Money

So recently, well tonight actually, I realized that I want a lot of stuff. All sorts of things. And what do you need to get things? Money. I'm normally content with the amount of money I receive monthly. Not anymore apparently. The amount of money I get isn't going to get me the items I would like. So what should I do? Get a job. Alright alright you got me, I don't have a job, one more thing you know about me. But, I need one. It really sucks that I'm not able to get money for the things I love like blogging and making videos (I'm pretty sure I'm starting a YouTube channel) but that's life for now. Maybe if I get more successful with my main blog, I'll be able to somehow. For now, I'm perfectly fine with doing pointless work for cash. (In case you're wondering what I do with all my free time since I don't have a job, I promise I'm not sitting at home blogging all day. I only do that in the evenings.) So, to sum up, I'm getting myself a job. Fun! And now I need ideas for jobs I can do and have time for. *sigh* Alright another challenge. I'm excited.

Love,
   Me

P.S. Please don't think I'm some prissy person who doesn't have to do anything for money. I do earn my money, I can guarantee you that. Just so you don't think I'm doing anything deceitful, I do chores and work for school; that's how I earn my cash. And now you know more. I hope this doesn't change your view of me! :)

Individual?

I am constantly worrying about being un-like anyone else. But that isn't possible. I can't like a band that no one else likes, I can't have a hobby that no one else does. It's simply not possible. With as many people as there are in the world, there really isn't a way to be completely individual. I'm trying, though, to find a way to set myself apart from everyone else. My blog actually isn't helping. My main blog is a lot like other blogs with the same genre. I'm hoping that as I put more motivation and hard work into it, it will become popular despite this. I've also been worrying a lot about my thoughts being un-original. For example, I worry that someone else has thought the same thing as I have. I'm not really sure why but being completely original is really important to me. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm going to keep trying to find away to be individual. 

Love,

   Me

Hmmm

One thing I've noticed lately is how the internet and today's electronics have affected me. I can no longer just sit and watch a TV show. I tried. I have to be doing something. Today, I tried to watch Doctor Who without doing anything and I ended up reading a magazine halfway through. It isn't because I thought the show was boring, I love that show! It's amazing. But for whatever reason I just cannot sit the fuck still. Or at least my mind can't. I try and watch movies and TV shows but most of the time I end up going on Instagram or play Solitaire. It really sucks. I want to be able to just watch a good show and focus. I also just can't be bored. It drives me crazy! It's so ridiculous. Anytime there's nothing to do, in the car or with a friend, whatever, I pull out my phone. And that's not just me, it's everyone. It's a little screwed up but no one can really do anything about it. I'll come to terms with it eventually, probably after I learn how to freaking focus. There's a few exceptions for me actually: when I'm in a theater or when I'm working. But I guess that last one is because my mind is working. But that's when I can actually focus. Okay well that was my little sort-of rant. Thanks for reading!

Love,
   Me

Hellur

Okay so today was lovely. I did all sorts of fun shit that was fun. And met some cool peeps and watched some cool stuffs and yea. I'm in a good mood. But, of course, something not-so-pleasant happened. So. I had to cancel plans with one of my guy friends, yes, the same one from yesterday, and I was feeling pretty terrible about it. I asked when he was free next but he just said "I don't want to do anything anytime soon". That made me freak the fuck out. I got pretty angry and stressed and worried but later in the day he texted me so I assume we're all good. He never said he was mad at me, so I guess he wasn't. Anywhore, (Yea. I meant to do that. :)) all is well that ends well. I'm about to edit a post for the blog (about my fabulous day) so I'm off to do that! I think when it comes to situations like today's, I just have to remember that if the friendship is strong enough, a little fight won't bother it.

"A smile is a passport into the hearts of others" ~ fortune cookie
(Doesn't relate at all to the post but it's nice, right?)

Love,
   Me

:)

Felt great today! Worst thing that happened was when I shared that I had neglected to take my meds to my best friend and then explaining the effects of it. Not fun but it wasn't bad. Not at all actually. It was a quick conversation since everything is completely fine now, so there wasn't much to talk about. The only other person who knew was one of my guy friends. The reason he knew was because I was having a panic attack while talking to him, so I told him. I thought he would be able to handle it but he worried a lot. It made me worry if I can't tell him things because he worries so easily. He has anxiety too. Anyway, it just seems like he isn't able to handle some of the things I would like to tell him. It's fine though. If I need to talk about it, I have others to talk to. Still thinking about my blog. And possibly a YouTube channel. Good idea? I have no idea what I would do for it. *sigh* I was thinking about a comedy blog but then I realized I'm not funny. Ha. Beauty? I'm okay at that. That's pretty much the main purpose of my other blog. I need to think about this more but a YouTube channel seems like tons of fun. Reviewing also seems like something I would be good at. I guess I'll just think for now.

Love,
   Me

So.

So I always thought that I needed to watch YouTubers, read blogs, look at pictures, etc. to figure out what to do, say, wear, listen to, etc. I needed guidelines, just a helpful way to stay organized and know how to do life. But now, I see that I've got to do what I want in my own way. I don't need to be like everyone else and actually, that's one of my biggest fears: being like everyone else; un-individual. But, subconsciously, I was trying to be like everyone else. The way they posted things to blogs or YouTube or Tumblr, that was what I wanted. I wanted to fit in to be successful, it's just that, one thing I didn't notice was how these people are successful because they're original and are great at what they do. Jesus, I wish I knew what to do. The only thing I seem to be OK at is telling empty space what I'm feeling (I say empty space because I seriously doubt anyone is reading this) I really want to find what I'm good writing about. Life would be easier. Most people want things to be either simple or complicated but is it weird that I don't give a rat's ass? I don't particularly care if life is simple or complicated, I kind of just want to do it, happily, with a purpose. Like in the movie/book Hugo, he (Hugo) wants a purpose because the whole world is a machine and everyone's a part that contributes and has a point, but he can't find his point. Or something like that. But that's me. Everyone else has something but what do I have? I mean, I like to write and I think I'm pretty good at it but I don't have a writing purpose. I'm making no sense and probably annoying the crap out of whoever is reading this. I apologize. I don't really know why I put my personal thoughts on the internet. Does anyone really care? I wouldn't. Anyway, thanks for reading if you did. Damn I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Love,
   Me

*Sigh*

Alright, so little update. I couldn't take my medicine again yesterday. (I was at a friend's house so no access) I also had a panic attack. Fun. But I was alright. Although it was relatively large it didn't last long, which is great. I felt fine the next morning as well. I need to get better with the meds. Being off of them made me realize how utterly fucked up I was before the medicine. Last year, the start of my severe anxiety, seemed to just pour down on me. It seemed so sudden. I suddenly was over thinking everything, becoming aware of things that didn't matter, and worrying about things that, in turn, would have no effect on my life. I was so stressed. I had no idea what was happening or why I was worrying so much. About everything. I thought it could be school; it wasn't. When I finally found out I had anxiety and OCD, I couldn't believe it. I wondered, "Why did this happen to me?" It made me so upset, the fact that I had to see a doctor and take medicine. I couldn't believe I was crazy. It seems to be part of who I am now. A part, not who I am. And I'm perfectly fine with that. Proud even. At least I'm happy. Or was. Oh god, what if it's not the medicine and it's starting all over? What if I need MORE meds. I'm over thinking. Okay. Okay. I'm good. That's not what it is and even if it was I can handle it. Well, now that I've had a mental breakdown on my pubic blog I think I'll be done for the day. Maybe. I might be addicted. (To the blog) This fun. Sorry to annoy you guys. If you're reading, thanks.

Love,

   Me

Maybe...

Recently I've been watching a lot of different YouTubers and I've been really interested in their life and career stories. One particular story caught my attention: Tyler Oakley's. He had just finished college and was looking for a job when he realized that the only thing that would be a good career, one that would motivate him to get up in the morning and actually go to work was YouTube and social media. His story made me realize that I want to do something with the media. I love to write and writing about what is current in today's pop culture just seems like fun. Maybe writing about what's going on in the economy as well, maybe about different places, maybe about different jobs. I'm not getting anywhere am I? Nope. But I do know that I think blogging, making videos, and writing are things that I truly love and they all have to do with the social media. I know that I want the media to be huge part of my career but I just don't know what to do. I'm fairly positive I want to be a writer but the problem is, I have no clue what to write about. It seems the only thing I'm good at writing is my personal thoughts and I'm sorry, but unless you have the one of the most amazing personalities ever, that is not going to be a career. I know that I'm able to put pieces of information together, but I just don't know what. I have problems finding topics. Maybe I could write about my opinion on things. Like, I could read a book or watch a TV show and then tell people my opinions on it. People do that for a living. But is it something I would enjoy? I'll give it a try on my main blog. See how it goes.

Ouchie

So I would like to tell you all about a story. But before I begin you should know this: I have anxiety and OCD, which I take medication for. Okay, anyway. So, the last few days I've been forgetting to take my medicine. As a result, yesterday I woke up feeling like complete and utter shit. As that day went on, I was okay I guess but feeling some weird stuff. Like I was feeling lonely (which doesn't happen to me very often) and sluggish and I sort of wanted to give up. I didn't do much. Today was actually worse. I laid in bed until four in the afternoon until I got up, cleaned half of my room, put in some laundry, and then watched a movie with my mom. This time I felt just said, alone, and a bit depressed. I wanted to hide under the covers. It was sort of like being a blob, just walking around, doing nothing productive or of any actual value. I spoke to my mother and she told me it was because of the medication. I had stopped taking it for about four or five days and because of that small time span, I became this lonely, jittery, sad thing. It sucked but I learned my lesson. You know, when I first got on medication I had some pretty mixed feelings about it. Half of me was upset because I was messed up enough to need the medicine and the other half was anxiously waiting to see if it would help me. It did. Quite a bit. I felt so much better afterwards. And I'm still doing great. As long as I don't forget to take it. I think I'll write a post about my anxiety some other time. To talk about my experience. Oh and also, I decided to set up a schedule for my main blog. I'm hoping this will help me to figure out what to write about over there. Crossing my fingers.

Love,
    Me

Let's Begin

I guess I thought that I had to write the most amazing first blog post known to man due to my "about the blogger" page. Did I leave too much build-up? Well, sorry if I did. But, I just want this blog to be about my personal thoughts, kind of just to see if I can write what goes through my mind clearly and coherently. Maybe this will spark some ideas for my main blog. I've recently been trying to find something consistent to write about over there but I just can't seem to do it. I'm stuck with writing about random things that don't take very long to piece together simply because I can't think of a good "thing" to write about. Do you know what I mean? That "thing" that all bloggers and writers have. The main subject of their work. Even on YouTube all the channels have a main theme. Like, for example, they do game reviews, makeup tutorials, acting skits, and so much more. I just can't find a consistent theme to make my posts about on there (My main blog). Which I probably will not end up sharing with you guys simply because it goes against the whole purpose of this blog: To put my personal thoughts out there into cyberspace and see if anyone gives a shit. This post went off on a tangent didn't it? Well I think that's absolutely fabulous. That's the whole piont of this I guess. Oh and I should mention that this blog os going to be completely blunt. I refuse to sugar coat anything. This is all going straight from my fucked-up mind to the internet. Hmmm... probably not the best idea. WHO CARES? I'm doing it anyway. Okay? Okay. (I love you John Green)

Love,
    Me.