I've Been A Bit Upset

I've been feeling really down about myself lately. I finally go around to editing one of my videos and basically the whole time I was just thinking, "why am I so annoying?"No fun. I have also been pretty down about my looks. All my friends despise when I rag on myself and I can totally understand why. It just all builds up, though. Since I haven't been doing it. I also seriously hate my brain. It was okay for a while. I had stopped worrying so much and I stopped feeling guilty about every little thing I did. But now I have to deal with low self esteem and talking to people. God, I am so shy. I can't even handle how shy I am. Even with people I trust more than anything, and with people I've known for forever I just can't speak. I have things to say most of the time, but my stupid brain won't let me get it out of my mouth. I get scared and I psych myself out. One last thing that bothers me about myself, my fucking facial expressions. I never look happy, even when I am! I either look like I'm super pissed/ annoyed/ sarcastic or no expression at all. I hate it. People think I'm giving them attitude when I'm not, I seem unapproachable, I seem mean. The truth is, I just want someone to come up and talk to me. I'd respond. I'd smile. I'd happily engage in conversation. The thing is, I can't make the first move because I'm too scared and nobody wants to talk to me because I look mean and like I want nothing to do with anybody. I don't know what to do. This is gonna be hard.

Love,
   Me

P.S. If you, for whatever reason, want to comment on any post, please do. I'm open to hear anything you have to say :)

I Don't Understand Why

Lately, I've been kind of wondering why I have as many friends as I do. Why do people like me? I mean, I know I have some good qualities but I don't see how I'm worth all my bad qualities. I just feel really stupid and pointless sometimes. I find myself annoying and totally idiotic. I wonder why people even bother with me. Sometimes, I find it hard to find good things about me and other times I don't find it hard at all. I just think I'm really annoying sometimes and I don't see why I'm worth it or how people put up with me. I talk about my flaws too much and it makes people think I'm doing it for attention but the truth is, I just want someone to say something that might help me stop feeling so bad about myself. I guess it is for attention. I don't know what to do with myself. Ugh.

Love,
   Me

Hey Peeps

So I've been feeling really good lately, which could possibly be from the fact that I have been really busy this past week and I will explain why. (P.S. being busy distracts me from thinking too much, therefore I'm good :)) Anywhore, basically I'm taking speech class, as you probably know, and that means about a good half of my days mon-thurs are taken up with class while about an hour after class is being taken up by homework (usually writing, so it's actually decently fun). On top of that, I'm trying to do more volunteering (and failing), expanding my blogs, and also I've got a new YouTube channel to make videos for. It's pretty hard to find things to post on those places. Anyway, yea, I've been busy and it's nice but it can be stressful. Also, with my speech class work, I like to hang out with my friends to relax and forget about work and being bored in class. So yea. That's all! :)

Love,
   Me

What's Up

Okay so I had a nice little weekend, the only problem was, I missed out on a trip to the beach and to Schlitterbahn (a mega-fun water park). So that sucked balls. Anyway, tomorrow I have to go to speech class. The class where I know no one and everyone is older than me :). Im soooo excited. Everyone I know keeps telling me, "Meet new people! Make some friends!". Ha. It's not that easy. My brain doesn't function like that. For some people it may be just so easy for them to walk up to someone and be like, "Hey, how's it going. I'm Jim(or whatever)" but it's the hardest thing in the world for me. I feel like I simply can't do it. I mean, I know I CAN it's just.... hard, to put it in the simplest of terms. I wish I had a friend with me. But anyway, the point it, it's not a fun thing to have to do and I'm dreading the group projects and I absolutely can't wait for the five weeks of classes to be over. I really should make the most of it since there's no getting out of it. I'll stay positive, I just had to vent. So, thanks guys, for letting my complain to my heart's content.

Love,
   Me

Trip

I'm going on a little trip tomorrow and I'm so excited! :) Everyday, I start feeling better and better about the audition. I'm getting over it, although, it still pops up in my mind. In other news, I tried filming a YouTube video earlier and it was awful. I watched it and I just hated it. I mean, I loved filming it; it was tons of fun, but I didn't like watching it. Surprisingly, I liked my voice, my face was the problem. I couldn't stop staring at a zit on my forehead and my braces are like a magnet for eyes. My mouth is so weird. I can't wait to get these fucking things off. Ugh. I'm still gonna make videos because,you gotta start somewhere, and if I ever want to be really good at making videos, I have got to practice. Alright well, I'll talk to you guys later.

Love,
   Me

Feeling a Bit Better

Hey guys, I'm feeling a little bit better. I don't really know what it is, I just woke up today feeling a little bit better. I'm really re-considering auditioning for the fall play. What if theater just isn't my thing? And then of course, I'm worrying that I'll choke once again and make a fool of myself, yet again. But I won't know unless I try, right? I'm not sure. I guess I'll think on it. I'm taking theater arts as an elective this upcoming school year so I'll be able to prove myself there. I can prove that I'm a good sport about it and  I'm not letting it bother me (at least that's what my classmates will think). I've got a lot of thinking to do. I'll let you guys know. Probably not soon though. I doubt I'll know anytime soon.

See ya later

Love,
   Me

Hard To Write

This post is going to be hard for me to write. *deep breath* Okay, well I had my audition..... It went okay. (I'm forcing myself to be positive even though I want to say it was one of the worst things that's happened to me) Anyway, let me explain what happened. What had happened was, I forced my self to smile, though part of the time I forgot. I didn't remember when to start. I skipped over a whole section of the song. I sang one part too early. After I stepped off, I went to my friend and leaned on her shoulder while she gave me a half-hug and I tried to keep from crying. There's something that really gets me about coming off as a weak little kid. (how I'm assuming I looked to people watching)I'm already an incoming freshman and I already look weak and helpless. Just awesome! You know what's awful? Having people feeling bad for you. People kept coming up to me saying, "you did great!" I usually said thanks but once I said, "No not really but that's okay" I don't need people to feel bad for me. I can handle myself. But, if anyone thinks that this is going to stop me from auditioning for the fall play, they'd be dead wrong. Ha. The song I'm listening to just said, "bad things happen for a reason" AMEN. So, I'm going to audition for the fall play. (I don't have to sing) And, not only will I audition, but I will prove that I'm not weak. I'm strong. I can handle myself. I can do great and don't need anyone to feel bad for me. If you're wondering why this is so important to me, it's because I'm extremely worried all the time what people think about me and I seriously hate it when people think anything bad. Like I'm weak. Wish me luck! :)

Love,
   Me